So this used to just be my repost blog and i would just post whatever I wanted or liked...but as far as I see now, it's becoming the blog of a mom's journey after she's lost a child..My true feelings, inner thoughts, and psyche, all laid out almost everyday.
Sleeping in my car tonight. hoo-rah. sounds way better than sleeping in this house..
//how you think you know how you feel about a person…and then someone comes along and makes you feel guilty about it… Now all I can think of is the bad… and I just want to quit..
Its weird how people who say they are trying to help and are doing things because they love you, but are really just making me not think or feel good things at all. I feel like more space has been out between me and them..and Im now angry with someone I love dearly. Getting out couldn’t sound any better..
I slipped down the slope…
When bad things happen, it becomes a time where we learn more about ourselves than we ever thought. It’s confusing, frustrating, and above all exhausting.
I feel like im sitting at the very top of a tree…sitting and watching myself down below. It’s a tad easier to see yourself when your looking from a different perspective. But watching yourself can be hard to do when your not the person you thought you were. I wouldn’t trust me…and I’m not that great of a person. I wouldn’t even be friends with myself, sometimes.
A truth to be told, I dont even know if this is really how I feel. I dont know if it’s even something worth paying attention too. I dont know if I feel this way because I feel so alone now. Everyone is moving away..And all I have is really just one person…and I dont even know if I’m actually happy being around them, or if I’m just letting myself be consumed by this fake sense of comfort. But I think I feel happy.. And I never think these things when stuff is good..
I want to make a pledge to myself that I’m going to be a more giving person.. Cause truth be told, I’m very selfish. And sometimes the things I do will give me temporary satisfaction..cause I think it’s what Im supposed to do..or how I should react to a situation..but it’s not always right. I dont want to feel better because someone got what they deserved…and I should never have to turn to my friends for reassurance that what Im doing is right, when I feel so wrong about it.. People do shitty things…and treat others badly in 10 folds more than what they “deserve.”
But no one should deserve to feel sad, hurt, or worthless..People treat others badly because they aren’t happy with their own life…so why should we contribute to a hurt they are already feeling? It’s not teaching them a lesson… we’re enforcing the idea that we really are ugly and deceitful beings.. People should give love and have love in return.
Today I called several people just to say I love them..and that I appreciate them being in my life, not expecting anything in return or any extended conversation… Sometimes people just need to hear that they are cared about and loved..Just expecting them to know isnt enough most days.. And times are tough for a lot of us, even when we dont show it.
But I dont know if I can keep this pledge to myself…cause I dont know if this is how I really feel… I dont know who is really there for me anymore. I know love exists and that I am loved and I love others in return, but I still feel so alone.
And I already feel sad, hurt, worthless, and not cared for.
Today had such promise, too.
We played card games, made hemp anklets/ keychains, ate Tofurky dogs and potato/leek soup, watched lots of Tosh.0, went to the park, and played with fireworks.
I needed this.
Someone in your family tells you that next time I have a kid I will learn from my mistake with Noah and take him to the hospital.
What the fuck.